When the Past Still Feels Present
Maybe you were the child who rarely caused any trouble. You did what you were told, tried to be helpful and didn't like upsetting anyone. Growing up, you might have been described as ‘good as gold’, ‘mature for your age’ or ‘the easy one’. You weren't necessarily unhappy. Perhaps you had a loving family, felt cared for and have plenty of good memories of growing up. But somewhere along the way, you may also have learned that it was easier to keep certain things to yourself.
Perhaps you noticed when a parent was upset or struggling and tried not to add to their worries. Maybe you only felt seen when you'd achieved something ‘big’. Or if something hurt or upset you, you brushed it off as ‘I'm just being sensitive’ or ‘it doesn't matter, it's not a big deal’.
Or maybe things happened outside the family. Perhaps you were bullied, excluded or struggled to find your place among other children. You might have felt criticised, misunderstood or different, or found that you had to adapt to whoever you were around to feel like you fitted in. Sometimes, experiences that seem relatively small to other people can have a significant impact when they happen repeatedly or at a time when we're still developing our sense of who we are.
A little about your therapist
I'm Laurie Hole, an MA-qualified, BACP-accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor based in Poole, Dorset. I work online with adults across the UK who are trying to make sense of how childhood trauma and difficult early experiences have shaped the way they see themselves, relate to others and navigate life in adulthood.
My Curiously Kind approach to therapy is person-centred at heart, informed by relational, trauma-informed and integrative perspectives. This includes ideas from Gestalt therapy, parts work, nervous-system perspectives and Compassion Focused Therapy. I offer a supportive space to explore your experiences with curiosity and kindness, and to understand patterns that may still affect you today.
How your childhood experiences can shape the way you see yourself
Our childhood experiences and relationships help shape how we come to understand ourselves and our place in the world. Through our interactions with parents, family members, friends, teachers and other people around us, we gradually develop ideas about who we are, what we can expect from others, and how safe or comfortable it feels to express ourselves.
There isn't one particular type of childhood that leads to difficulties in adulthood. Sometimes there are more obvious experiences of bereavement, instability, emotional neglect or trauma. At other times, it's a combination of relationships, expectations and experiences that gradually shape how we feel about ourselves. Even within loving families, there can be things that were difficult to talk about, feelings that weren't fully understood or needs that went unnoticed.
As children, we find ways to adapt to the environments we're growing up in. We might become the responsible one, the peacekeeper, the achiever or the one who doesn't ask for much. We might learn to hide certain feelings, anticipate what other people need, avoid conflict or change how we behave to fit in. These responses often make sense in the context in which they developed, helping us navigate relationships and situations that we didn't have much control over.
How childhood experiences can continue to affect you in adulthood
Sometimes, the ways we learned to cope or protect ourselves continue into adulthood, even when our circumstances have changed. You might recognise some of these experiences in your own life:
Saying you're fine when you're actually upset, overwhelmed or struggling.
Feeling uncomfortable asking for help, even when you could really use some support.
Questioning whether your feelings are reasonable or whether you're expecting too much.
Feeling responsible for other people's feelings or worrying when someone seems unhappy with you.
Apologising quickly, sometimes before you've considered whether you've done anything wrong.
Feeling guilty when you say no, set a boundary or put your own needs first.
Feeling particularly sensitive to criticism, rejection or signs that someone might be unhappy with you.
Feeling you need to achieve, be helpful or get things right to feel valued.
Hiding parts of yourself or adapting to what you think other people expect.
Feeling lonely, overlooked or disconnected, even when you have people around you who care.
Struggling to explain why something feels wrong because you can't quite put your feelings into words.
You might also find yourself being the understanding one in your relationships. You listen, make allowances and try to see things from other people's perspectives, but struggle to acknowledge when someone has hurt or disappointed you. You might question your own reactions: ‘I'm being too sensitive. I'm expecting too much. Maybe they didn't mean it like that.’
Or perhaps you find it difficult to trust other people, worry about being rejected or criticised, or feel that you have to work hard to be liked and accepted. You might avoid drawing attention to yourself, find it difficult to express your opinions or feel uncomfortable when other people see parts of you that you've learned to keep hidden.
Over time, these patterns can become limiting. You might find yourself repeating familiar dynamics in relationships, feeling disconnected from your own needs or struggling to feel comfortable being yourself. Understanding where some of these responses came from can help you recognise them, make sense of what they might be protecting you from and consider whether they still serve you in the same way today.
Making Sense of Your Childhood Experiences in Counselling
Counselling isn't about blaming your parents, deciding that your childhood wasn't good enough or finding an explanation for everything you struggle with today. It's about having space to explore your experiences, understand how they may have shaped you and consider what you need now.
Together, we can explore the relationships and experiences that were important to you growing up, the messages you might have taken from them, and the ways you learned to adapt, cope or protect yourself. We might notice how quickly you question your own feelings, how uncomfortable it can be to express a need or put yourself first, or how automatically you feel responsible for making things better when someone else is upset.
There's room to explore these experiences at your own pace, with curiosity and compassion for the different ways you've learned to manage, protect yourself and relate to others. We can also become curious about the different or conflicting feelings and needs that exist within you, particularly when part of you wants something different from what you've become accustomed to doing.
The aim isn't to change who you are or take away the qualities you value in yourself. It's about developing a fuller understanding of your experiences, recognising what you need and finding ways to respond to yourself and others that feel more comfortable and authentic. You can begin to make sense of the past without feeling defined by it, while discovering what you want and need from your life and relationships today.
Understanding where you've come from can help you find your way back to the person you always were.
If you recognise yourself in these experiences, you're welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
~ Brené Brown ~
Frequently Asked Questions
If you have a question I haven’t answered here, you’re always welcome to get in touch and ask.
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Yes. You don't need to have experienced an obvious childhood crisis or upheaval for your early experiences to have a lasting impact. You might have grown up in a loving family and have plenty of positive memories, while also learning to hide your feelings or parts of yourself, avoid upsetting others or put other people's needs first. Sometimes it's the quieter, less obvious experiences that are hardest to recognise.
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No. You don't have to describe your childhood as traumatic or identify with the word trauma to explore how your early experiences affect you today. Perhaps there were difficult relationships, things you couldn't talk about, or experiences that left you feeling different, overlooked or unsure of yourself. What matters is how those experiences affected you, not whether they fit a particular label.
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Yes. Experiences of bullying, exclusion, criticism or struggling to fit in can affect how you see yourself and relate to other people. You might have learned to hide parts of yourself, anticipate what others expect, became observant of other people’s moods, or worked hard to avoid rejection. These responses can sometimes continue into adulthood, affecting your confidence, relationships and sense of belonging.
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Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) describes experiences where a child's emotional needs aren't consistently noticed, understood or responded to. It doesn't necessarily mean that parents didn't love their child or deliberately set out to cause harm. Sometimes parents are overwhelmed by their own difficulties, or emotions simply aren't something a family knows how to talk about. A child may grow up struggling to recognise their feelings, express their needs or feel that those needs matter.
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Emotional parentification happens when a child takes on emotional responsibilities that would ordinarily belong to an adult. This might involve listening to a parent's worries, comforting them when they're upset or trying to keep things calm at home. A child in this position may become very attuned to other people's feelings, while finding it harder to recognise or attend to their own needs.
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Yes. Growing up with a parent who was physically or emotionally absent, experiencing a difficult or unpredictable relationship with them, or becoming estranged from a family member in adulthood can all bring complicated feelings. You might experience grief, anger, confusion, guilt or questions about your own worth. Counselling can offer space to explore what these relationships have meant to you and how they continue to affect you today.